It has been 6 weeks since I lost my babies and I was still bleeding. Concerned, I went in to see my OB. An ultrasound revealed I had 'retained products of conception.' I opted to do a Karman Biopsy to try to get the pieces out. The same procedure I vowed last April never to do again. It wasn't as painful as last time. I guess my body has become numb to pain. My doctor pulled out a mass larger than a golf ball and sent it down to the lab. She thinks she got all of it out. I have to go back in next week for a follow up ultrasound to make sure nothing was left behind. If stuff is still left, I will need to do a D&C. She prescribed a drug to help my uterus clamp down and stop the bleeding.
I picked up the drug from the pharmacy and took it when I got home. Soon thereafter, I started feeling very dizzy and short of breath. I started hearing ringing in my ear. Then I started feeling chest pain. We raced to the ER thinking I was going to have a heart attack. The doctors in the ER examined me and concluded it was due to the drug. It was a vasoconstrictor and people who take it have a slight risk of heart attack. They told me I react severely to this drug and never to take it again.
Seriously... How much worse can my life get???
Saturday, February 2, 2013
January 5, 2013
I picked up my babies' ashes today. They funeral home messed up my daughter's cremation certificate and urn. They put she was a boy. My poor children. I opened their urns when I got home. I wanted to see their ashes. My son's remains still had bone pieces inside. I broke down. That was once my baby.
December 21, 2012
The induction lasted almost 40 hours. I felt my baby kicking right through till the end. He was a fighter and did not want to die. I took no pain medication. I wanted to feel as much pain as my babies were feeling. We were together in this until the end. As the 40th hour approached, the doctors started talking about a D&E since the labor was taking so long. I refused. The least I could do was give my baby a proper birth. They said they'd give me one more hour. Feeling under pressure, I excused myself and went to the bathroom. Like with my daughter, I started pushing. And soon saw two sweet little feet coming out of my vagina. I came back outside and the doctors completed the delivery on the bed. My son was perfect. He was still warm. I couldn't believe I had just felt him kick inside me less than five minutes ago. And now he was dead. He looked so confused. Like, "What just happened?" His hands soon came to rest near his heart and we held him for a good while. I just lost two children in one week. How could life be so cruel???
December 20, 2012
I woke up in the morning and two MFM Specialists came to see me. I was hopeful they'd have some good ideas to help me. But again, they told me to terminate. They had been my last hope. Soon thereafter my temperature started to climb. When it reached 100.4F I no longer had a choice. The doctors said I had an infection and would be induced. They started me on Misoprostol that morning. I saw my baby alive one last time on the ultrasound. He looked so healthy. Great heartbeat, strong movement. I couldn't believe these doctors were going to end his life.
December 19, 2012
I went in for an ultrasound. It turns out I had indeed ruptured the membrane of the presenting baby. The baby had no fluid left. And the baby's heart had stopped beating. My baby was dead. The remaining baby looked amazing. Strong heart beat, good movement. We were saddened beyond belief that we lost one child. Our sole solace was that at least we had one baby alive and well.
That evening around 8:30pm, I started feeling a lot of pain. It felt like very intense menstrual cramps. My doctors had told me menstrual-like pain was normal since the blood was irritating the uterus so I didn't think too much of it. However, the pain started intensifying and coming in at regular intervals. I started counting the pain. It would last 30-40 seconds and come in every 2-3 minutes. Never having delivered a baby before, I couldn't be sure what I was experiencing. But deep down I knew what it was. And I didn't want it to be true. So I turned off the lights and fell asleep.
I woke up 3 hours later. I couldn't hide from the pain anymore. It stopped coming in at regular intervals. Now it was just there and wouldn't go away. I went to the bathroom thinking perhaps I was constipated. I sat on the toilet and pushed. I felt a sense of déjà vu. I told myself, "If I deliver my baby now, I'm going to do it right this time." Sure enough, I soon see a mass coming out of my vagina. This time, however, I knew right away what it was. I pushed and said, "Oh honey, honey. Don't be scared. You're Mama's got you." I delivered a beautiful baby girl. Her mouth, however, was wide open and she was clutching her neck as if she had been gasping for air when her fluid ran out. She looked so sad and pained. My heart broke. My poor baby girl.
I then realized the other baby was still inside and I needed to get help right away. I wrapped my daughter in tissues and put her in a tissue box. My husband drove like a maniac to the hospital. We got there and I jumped out, tissue box in tow, while my husband parked the car. I ran inside screaming, "Help me! Please someone help me! I need a wheel chair! I need to get to Labor and Delivery." It was past midnight and the lobby was empty except for a security guard who came to my aid.
I get to Labor and Delivery and I take a big sigh of relief. I am here. I still have a baby alive inside of me. The doctors will help me. I am taken to a room and my vitals are checked. Then five young doctors come into the room. I don't even get a chance to speak. They said, "You delivered one baby. The other is still inside. We need to induce you to terminate the pregnancy. The risk of infection is too high." I couldn't believe it. My world came crashing down. I could barely see straight. My thoughts were scrambled yet I managed to say, "But I've read case studies.. I've read about the stitches... The cerclage.. About delayed interval deliveries. There must be something you can do." They shook their heads. I refused an induction and they left. They didn't do anything for me. No antibiotics. They didn't even ligate and tuck the cord that was hanging from my vagina after I delivered my daughter. I was left with a nearly 10 inch cord dangling from me that would dip into the toilet every time I had to use the bathroom. There was no way I could avoid an infection like this.
That evening around 8:30pm, I started feeling a lot of pain. It felt like very intense menstrual cramps. My doctors had told me menstrual-like pain was normal since the blood was irritating the uterus so I didn't think too much of it. However, the pain started intensifying and coming in at regular intervals. I started counting the pain. It would last 30-40 seconds and come in every 2-3 minutes. Never having delivered a baby before, I couldn't be sure what I was experiencing. But deep down I knew what it was. And I didn't want it to be true. So I turned off the lights and fell asleep.
I woke up 3 hours later. I couldn't hide from the pain anymore. It stopped coming in at regular intervals. Now it was just there and wouldn't go away. I went to the bathroom thinking perhaps I was constipated. I sat on the toilet and pushed. I felt a sense of déjà vu. I told myself, "If I deliver my baby now, I'm going to do it right this time." Sure enough, I soon see a mass coming out of my vagina. This time, however, I knew right away what it was. I pushed and said, "Oh honey, honey. Don't be scared. You're Mama's got you." I delivered a beautiful baby girl. Her mouth, however, was wide open and she was clutching her neck as if she had been gasping for air when her fluid ran out. She looked so sad and pained. My heart broke. My poor baby girl.
I then realized the other baby was still inside and I needed to get help right away. I wrapped my daughter in tissues and put her in a tissue box. My husband drove like a maniac to the hospital. We got there and I jumped out, tissue box in tow, while my husband parked the car. I ran inside screaming, "Help me! Please someone help me! I need a wheel chair! I need to get to Labor and Delivery." It was past midnight and the lobby was empty except for a security guard who came to my aid.
I get to Labor and Delivery and I take a big sigh of relief. I am here. I still have a baby alive inside of me. The doctors will help me. I am taken to a room and my vitals are checked. Then five young doctors come into the room. I don't even get a chance to speak. They said, "You delivered one baby. The other is still inside. We need to induce you to terminate the pregnancy. The risk of infection is too high." I couldn't believe it. My world came crashing down. I could barely see straight. My thoughts were scrambled yet I managed to say, "But I've read case studies.. I've read about the stitches... The cerclage.. About delayed interval deliveries. There must be something you can do." They shook their heads. I refused an induction and they left. They didn't do anything for me. No antibiotics. They didn't even ligate and tuck the cord that was hanging from my vagina after I delivered my daughter. I was left with a nearly 10 inch cord dangling from me that would dip into the toilet every time I had to use the bathroom. There was no way I could avoid an infection like this.
December 15, 2012
The bleeding continued, bright red with moderate flow without cease. My doctors are not advocates of bedrest. So I tried to just take it easy anyways. In the afternoon, however, I felt well enough to help my husband put dirty clothes in bags for him to wash. I bent down to retrieve an empty bag. When I stood back up, I noticed a gush come out of me. I dropped the bag and ran to the bathroom expecting to find a ton of blood. But to my horror it was not blood. My heart stood still. It was clear fluid. I was only 14 weeks 6 days.
We raced to Labor and Delivery. The doctor on call did a fern test to test for amniotic fluid. It was negative. She ran a nitrizine test for amniotic fluid which was positive, but unreliable because of the blood present. She did an ultrasound and saw both babies alive and well. No noticeable decrease in fluid from either one. The only disturbing find was she noticed a gush of fluid during the speculum examination. She concluded I had not broken my water after all. She said it was probably just plasma serum from the hematoma and sent me home. I joked to my husband, "These babies seem to have nine lives!"
We raced to Labor and Delivery. The doctor on call did a fern test to test for amniotic fluid. It was negative. She ran a nitrizine test for amniotic fluid which was positive, but unreliable because of the blood present. She did an ultrasound and saw both babies alive and well. No noticeable decrease in fluid from either one. The only disturbing find was she noticed a gush of fluid during the speculum examination. She concluded I had not broken my water after all. She said it was probably just plasma serum from the hematoma and sent me home. I joked to my husband, "These babies seem to have nine lives!"
December 12, 2012
Today was our wedding anniversary and we had the best present in the world. We went in for an ultrasound to see the babies! And they looked fantastic! The bleeding from the subchorionic hematoma never stopped, it just tapered down to a very light, tannish colored flow mainly present in the evenings. But the bleeding didn't seem to be affecting the babies. The ultrasound technician said, "You must be so relieved." And for a few short hours, I was.
When we got home, I noticed the bleeding got heavier and bright red. It looked different. It had a shine to it. And it was coming in earlier than usual. I would usually only notice it at the end of the day. I sensed something was wrong. Very wrong.
When we got home, I noticed the bleeding got heavier and bright red. It looked different. It had a shine to it. And it was coming in earlier than usual. I would usually only notice it at the end of the day. I sensed something was wrong. Very wrong.
October 21, 2012
I dragged myself with a heavy heart and tissue box in tow to the clinic. I knew what they were going to say. But to our complete surprise, the babies were still there! They looked great and had strong heart beats. Our elation, however, was very short lived. The doctor looked grim. He said each baby had a very large subchorionic hematoma that was causing significant placental separation. He said there was a greater than 50% chance I'd lose the pregnancy. A sense of doom set in. I tried to be hopeful. As my husband put it, "50% is better than 0%". But deep down I felt this was not going to have a happy ending after all.
October 20, 2012
Today had been an ordinary day. Maybe I tried to get too many things done. I did feel very tired and short of breath throughout the day but I just attributed it to the pregnancy. At 8:30pm, I went for my shower. Halfway through I noticed the tub started filling with blood. I thought, "Where could that be coming from?" I looked around and traced the blood back to between my thighs. That's when it clicked... It was the babies. I jumped out of the shower and called my doctor. She said to come first thing in the morning for an ultrasound to see what was going on. I lay in bed terrified but somehow managed to fall asleep.
At 12:30am, I woke up in tremendous pain and noticed I was laying in a pool of blood. I could barely walk to the bathroom. When I sat in the toilet, a stream of blood poured out of me. When I looked closer, I noticed a large piece of red mass coming out of my vagina. I pulled it out. I was in shock and without thinking threw it in the toilet. Then it hit me... That was probably one of the babies. I tried to find it but the toilet was such a deep shade of red by that point that I couldn't see the bottom. I was devastated. I had just lost one of the babies. I went back to bed praying the other baby would survive.
At 4:30am, it all happened again. I woke up in a pool of blood and with intense pain. Back to the bathroom I went. The stream of blood came and then a splash. This time the large red mass fell out on its own. I had now lost the other baby. I could not go back to sleep. The tears wouldn't let me.
At 12:30am, I woke up in tremendous pain and noticed I was laying in a pool of blood. I could barely walk to the bathroom. When I sat in the toilet, a stream of blood poured out of me. When I looked closer, I noticed a large piece of red mass coming out of my vagina. I pulled it out. I was in shock and without thinking threw it in the toilet. Then it hit me... That was probably one of the babies. I tried to find it but the toilet was such a deep shade of red by that point that I couldn't see the bottom. I was devastated. I had just lost one of the babies. I went back to bed praying the other baby would survive.
At 4:30am, it all happened again. I woke up in a pool of blood and with intense pain. Back to the bathroom I went. The stream of blood came and then a splash. This time the large red mass fell out on its own. I had now lost the other baby. I could not go back to sleep. The tears wouldn't let me.
October 15, 2012
I went in for bloodwork on October 3rd. The hCG level was 1,230. They told us it was an awesome number. Two days later the hCG more than doubled to 2,706. I had a hunch there was more than one baby. On October 15, we went in for an ultrasound and saw two healthy little heart beats. We were so happy! We were over the moon! It was one of the happiest days of our lives. We left the clinic with huge smiles and even did a 'happy dance' in the elevator. We didn't stop smiling for days!
September 21, 2012
After the miscarriage, we took some time to heal. By September, we were ready to try IVF # 2. We were left with only 3 vials of sperm so we decided to go all out this time to try to get it right. I went to acupuncture, did massages, yoga, participated in a Mind Body program. We ended up again with two lovely 5 day blastocysts which we transferred September 21, 2012. We were very confident this would work and we'd finally have our happy ending.
May 2, 2012
It never crossed my mind things could go so wrong. We went back to do another pregnancy test on April 24, 2012 and to our horror the hCG level did not double. It went up from 321 to 460. I went in every morning every two days for the next 2 weeks to see if the hCG level got back on track but it was erratic at best. They were concerned it could be an ectopic pregnancy. Today we hit the 6 week mark and went in for an ultrasound to see what was going on. They found a very small early gestational sac. It was barely visible on ultrasound. There was no fetal pole or yolk sac. The doctors said it was most likely due to chromosomal abnormality and there would be no viable pregnancy. They performed a Karman biopsy to confirm implantation had occurred (it had) to rule out the ectopic pregnancy possibility. It was a horribly painful procedure with no pain contol. I told myself I would never do another one again! The procedure plus stopping the progesterone was enough to trigger the miscarriage. We figured we'd hit rock bottom and things could only get better from here.
April 22, 2012
Our pregnancy test was today. It came back positive! We were so excited! We thought it would be smooth sailing from here. Need to return in two days to make sure the hCG is doubling and in 2 weeks hopefully we'll see a heartbeat on ultrasound.
April 10, 2012
We embarked on our first IVF journey. Since my husband has congenital bilateral absence of the vas deferens, he had to undergo a sperm extraction surgery (TESA). We were worried they wouldn't find anything but they managed to extract 4 vials of sperm. That means we are good to go for up to 4 rounds of IVF. If we don't succeed within that limit, he'll have to either undergo another surgery and see if they can find more sperm or we'll have to regroup and consider our options.
Our first IVF looked very promising! We ended up with two lovely day 5 blastocysts which were transferred on 4/10/12. We crossed our fingers and hoped for a positive pregnancy test.
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